We often mistake intensity for intimacy. The initial spark, late-night talks, and the feeling that someone finally gets you can be addictive. It feels like love, like something written in the stars. But sometimes, what we’re calling chemistry is just two old wounds recognising each other.
Many people confuse trauma bonding for genuine attraction because both can feel equally powerful. The difference lies in why you’re drawn to the person and how the connection makes you feel afterwards. One heals you; the other keeps you stuck in a loop of pain you can’t name.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
The term “trauma bonding” was first coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes to describe the emotional attachment that forms between a victim and their abuser. This cycle of affection and mistreatment eventually creates deep dependency. But over time, the term has expanded in popular use to describe relationships built on shared pain, emotional chaos, or unresolved wounds.
In simpler terms, trauma bonding happens when two people connect not from a place of pain. It begins when someone reminds you of a past dynamic; maybe a parent you were always trying to please, or an ex who made you feel small but needed.
The relationship might feel like love because it triggers strong emotions. But that intensity is often anxiety disguised as passion.
Think of it this way:
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When they pull away, you panic.
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When they return, you feel relief so strong it feels like love.
That push-and-pull becomes your version of intimacy, even though it’s really anxiety in disguise.
What Genuine Attraction Really Feels Like
Now, here’s where things get interesting. Genuine attraction doesn’t come with the same rush of anxiety or obsession. It feels exciting, yes, but also safe. You can be yourself without walking on eggshells or wondering where you stand.
You’re not constantly overthinking texts or replaying conversations in your head. You can communicate without fear. You feel at ease in their company, not drained.
For example, when you like someone genuinely, you want to get to know their values, goals, and how they treat people… But when it’s trauma-based, you’re drawn to how they make you feel in the moment.
Why We Confuse The Two
It’s not your fault. Many of us grew up seeing love as something that must be fought for. We believed that tension and drama meant depth. If affection came inconsistently in childhood, you might unconsciously chase people who give love the same way: in doses.
And because the nervous system remembers what’s familiar, calm love can even feel boring at first. You might mistake emotional safety for lack of spark. But the truth is, peace isn’t boring, it’s just unfamiliar.
It takes emotional maturity to realise that the calm connection that lets you rest is the one that’s actually good for you.
How To Tell The Difference
If you’re wondering whether you’re trauma-bonded or genuinely attracted, ask yourself:
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Do I feel anxious when they don’t respond, or simply curious?
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Do I feel seen, or do I feel like I’m constantly performing?
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Do I like who I am around them?
In genuine attraction, you feel grounded, not obsessed. In trauma bonding, you feel consumed, like you can’t think straight without them.
Here’s the easiest test for you: After spending time with them, do you feel peaceful or depleted? The answer tells you everything you need to know.
Healing Means Learning What Love Should Feel Like
Breaking trauma bonds is about re-teaching your body what safety feels like. Therapy, journaling, and slowing down before attaching can help. Most importantly, it’s about noticing when love feels like fear, and choosing not to call that chemistry anymore.
Our minds crave what’s familiar, even when it hurts. However, healing starts the moment you pause and say, “This feels familiar, but it’s not love.”
Sometimes the heart wants what it remembers. But love, real love, is what teaches it to rest.
