Today, I want to talk about reunions, specifically secondary school reunions which mostly occur at the end of the year. It is usually a gathering of monitoring spirits veiled as old friends and schoolmates.
Secondary school reunions are one of the most depressing things to go for, like except you graduated from Harvard and are planning a wedding to Otedola’s son or something, you can barely impress anybody.
One of the most popular questions no one can escape at such gatherings is the “so, what are you doing these days?”
The first thing you need to realise about 97% of people who ask this question is that they couldn’t care less what you’re doing, they just want to do a comparison and see if your life is shittier than theirs.
So, let’s check out the various categories of people at the average SSR
The In-Your-Face Gang:
These are the ones that never liked you in secondary school, but are suddenly opening teeth for you and acting like they actually send you, when the only reason they’re doing that is because they assume they are doing better than you anyway.
AKA “my husband and kids” crew….five minutes will not pass without these people mentioning their husband or kids… Everyone could be discussing one oppressive teacher and the next thing they’re like “oh, my husband and I absolutely love the Ice Cream at Coldstone” like …who asked you?
The Never-Give-Up Boos
Aside the pretentious people, there are also the persistent ones, like the guy in your school who doesn’t realize that if you didn’t like him seven years ago, you still won’t like him now. As soon as he walks in, your first thought is “Hai God! This boy came?” And you have to spend the entire time avoiding him.
The Everlasting Bad Guys[\b]
Oh and let’s not forget, the ones that are averse to change. They are still the rowdy, noisemaking drunks who may or may not be involved in illegal dealings. Remember the guys who transferred chokes and were the ringleaders of those midnight conference calls for latest examination leaks? They have now graduated to wire-wire
[b]The Heart-break Crush
So, remember the guy you were crushing on that year? The one you went out of your way to look pretty for hoping he would finally ask you out? He’s made it for the reunion….with his pregnant wife oh the pain! The saddest thing is that he’s so happy….and you’re not
The What Went Wrong Crew:
Aka WWW…these are the people everyone had high hopes for. Like, you were sure these people would ‘blow’ as soon as y’all graduated. They’d immediately get University admission, graduate top of their class and just boss everything…..well, life is not that simple….and the class clown has blown, but the genius is still trying to get his footing in society. Or is it the couple that should have gotten married at some point after University because their love was truer than Jack and Rose, but now, they can’t even stand each other.
The Glow-Up Gang (Missnande)
AKA I never hesperredit. These ones were the rejects back then, dem no fine, dem no sabi dress, dem no know book, dem no dey play sport, dem just dey. The ones you were already pitying their offsprings in advance, only for them to show up looking better than everybody else. The large pimples are gone, the skin tone is now even, and they now have foreign ‘hag-cent’….which baba do the jazz?
The Shy Gang:
They were NEVER present….or at least that’s what it seeemed like. These ones will not participate in anything, they won’t make conversation with anyone, they just sit in a corner and observe.
These ones are a creation of android phones. They are usually the girls who were popular back then and still have it going well, because they are armed with their IPhones or Samsung Galaxy, they will take more pictures than the official photographer at the event. At every point, they will be looking for the right angles to snap and will be photo bombing other people’s pics
The Ones Who Don’t Go At All:
As in, I cannuh comman kee myself, you no hold better money, you no get better cloth, why go and see people whose names you can barely remember? These ones will never go for reunions, but they will scroll through Facebook for pictures after the party….”…because I just want to see if Amaka still fine like before”
That’s my list….feel free to add to it if you wish. Where do you belong?