Spousal neglect: Women tell their stories

Amidst recent financial realities in the country, the struggle of women left alone to raise children is said to have intensified. These women, already carrying the emotional and financial burdens of single parenthood, spoke of an even greater challenge as they strive to provide for their families amidst scarce resources. Weekend Trust in this report captures the hard reality of single parenthood on women.

The reality of abandonment

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While pregnant with their first child, Aisha Umar (not her real name) noted significant, yet disturbing changes in her relationship with her husband, especially after he came up with 12 stringent rules for her, which included quitting her job.

According to her, the strain on their relationship climaxed at the birth of their first child, a boy when her husband’s absence left her at the mercy of a neighbour, who solely attended to her post natal needs.

“He only showed up on the day of the naming ceremony and left after. It is five years now, I don’t know his whereabouts,” she added.

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Though Aisha learnt that her husband is married to another woman with kids, they were not divorced before he left, she said.

With a sense of heaviness in her heart, Aisha sighed as she recalled the hardship her husband’s absence had brought upon her as a single mother. And yet, how she could not point out the cause of the breakdown of their marriage.

She is one among many Nigerian women left with the burden of raising and caring for children alone.

Meanwhile, navigating the financial demands of parenthood alone had been a nightmare for 36-year-old Naimat Billah.  The abrupt downturn of her twelve-year-old marriage, the tale of “living together forever” was a journey far from rosy, she said. The mother of two told Weekend Trust that despite the financial assistance she got from her parents to help her husband start a business, he left her and their children.

“Even while I did everything for the family, he used to beat me every day, even while pregnant, which caused me three miscarriages. I eventually got sick and was diagnosed with kidney disease. My husband never cared. He only said, God will heal me, after I told him.”

Even while they were together, Naimat said he abandoned his responsibilities of caring for her and the children, especially while she was sick. She had to resort to unorthodox methods to cater for her health due to lack of money for hospital bills.

“One day, I told my husband I would like to move to my parents’ house in Maiduguri for adequate care, but he threatened to end the marriage if I dared to leave.”

“She died struggling for her kids”

Though some sadly did not live to tell their story, a relative of Maureen Samuel who spoke with Weekend Trust explained the negative impact abandonment had on her sister.

She sadly recalled how her sister’s health deteriorated following the daily stress she passed through while hustling to cater to the needs of her five children.

Martha, Maureen’s sister, said that her late sister had to pick up multiple menial jobs and engaged in several businesses to ensure she had the finances to take care of her children.

While explaining that her sister’s husband earlier perceived the financial independence she achieved from her business as a threat, he accused her of getting money from “cheating on him”. This she said was the reason he left her and the kids.

In 2023, Martha said her sister’s husband disappeared, leaving 35-year-old Maureen Samuel with their five children. “After he left, my sister called him severally when the landlord threatened to kick them out but he never responded. When they got evicted, Maureen had to pay for a smaller space; she paid school fees, bought clothes and fed the children. The responsibilities weighed my sister’s business down,” Martha said.

Recounting the sudden demise of Maureen, Martha said “We suspected stress to be the cause of her death. In the beginning of 2024, due to the lined-up responsibilities Maureen had, she started over working herself, even hawking snacks. She travelled to the East to bring ‘garri’ to Jos to sell. One day, she travelled for same purpose but never returned, we received words that she fell ill on her trip to the East, and after a few days, we lost her,” she noted.

Though Martha admitted that there was little they could do as a family to assist Maureen at the time, she wished all of this never happened.

Lami Audu, 39-year-old mother of four kids, recalled the hardship she struggles she had to go through to cater for her children, after her husband abandoned them.

According to her, the financial troubles that accompanied the loss of her husband’s job was the beginning of trouble for her and their children. 

Saddened by the happenings, Lami said she got more serious with her salon business so she could help more, but unfortunately her husband left for Benin city where he said there were better opportunities for him.

 “He never sent us money and will not speak to me for months and when he did, he insults me. One day he told me that I should better move on with my life because he had moved on.”.

Recounting the challenges, Lami recalls going to her children’s school countless times, to beg the school authority to bear with her for not being able to meet the deadline for paying their school fees.

She noted that most times, the children are sent back home. With no educational background herself, Lami has expressed determination to see her children through school no matter what. “I thank God that my first daughter is in the university now, things are still really tough but when I look at my children, I am glad I have them. I am still doing my salon business as a means to take care of them.” She said.

Complexities of abandonment in Nigeria

Abandonment and the resulting financial strain on women in Nigeria are said to be rooted in the patriarchal nature of societies. According to a 2023 report by Enhancing Financial Innovation and Access -EFInA, only 22 per cent 

of women in Nigeria are economically empowered. Meanwhile, the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS) had reported that women constitute about 49 per cent of Nigeria’s population.

Traditionally, the expectation that men are the primary breadwinners has left women financially dependent on their husbands, so that when these men abandon their families, the women are left to bear the brunt of the economic hardship.

A report by the World Bank in 2016 highlighted that about 40 per cent of Nigerian women are involved in the informal sector jobs, which are often low-paying and lack job security. This makes it even more challenging for single mothers to provide for their families.

This growing gender gap as presented in the 2024 World Economic Forum’s global gender gap report showed that Nigeria ranked 125th out of 146 countries on the index, taking the 29th place in sub-Saharan Africa. This growing gender gap further exacerbates the situation, with women earning significantly lesser than men.

Also, cultural norms and societal expectations often discourage women from seeking employment or pursuing higher education, limiting their economic opportunities. The United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) in 2022 reported that only 26 per cent of Nigerian women have access to secondary school education, compared to 41 per cent of men. This educational disparity is said to contribute to the economic vulnerability of women, particularly those who are left to raise children on their own.

The financial realities in Nigeria have intensified the struggles of single mothers. The inflation rate, which stands at 34.60 per cent in November 2024, has led to a significant increase in the cost of living. Basic necessities such as food, housing and healthcare have become more expensive, making it even more difficult for single mothers to make ends meet.

The stories of Aisha Umar, Naimat Billah, and Maureen Samuel are not isolated cases. They reflect a broader societal issue where women are left to navigate the complexities of single parenthood amidst financial instability.

Highlighting the intricacies surrounding marital abandonment in Nigeria, Barrister Chioma Onyenucheya-Uko, a family lawyer in Abuja, attested to the level of impunity that societal and cultural dynamics have placed on women, noting that “traditionally men have always played the role of being bread winners or providers” which according to her, allows these men to abandon their wives at will, sometimes as a form of protest, when things around the marriage don’t go their way.

While lamenting the lack of consequences for such actions by men, Barrister Chioma said “to a large extent, poor enforcement of the law and poor knowledge of those legal provisions have made this act to be rampant, because perpetrators have not suffered the punishment of violating that law,” she said.

As a legal practitioner, Barrister Chioma advised that beyond being called Mr. and Mrs. “It is important to learn the habit of co-habiting. That is why the premarital counselling is important for intended couple, especially for those doing it for the first time.” This according to her will go a long way in reducing the reoccurrences of abandonment cases.

Prof. Hauwa Yusuf, Director Gender Studies at the Kaduna State University who spoke with weekend Trust on ways women can best manage the financial strains that comes with abandonment, said cases of spsual abandonment is  on the rise in Nigeria. She highlighted that lack of financial stability of the men as one among many leading causes of abandonment.

According to Prof Hauwa, young women who are ready for marriage should be more prepared by having something doing even as they think of going into marriages or a serious relationship.

“Not everyone can have a white collar job but be sure to have a business or an income to help lessen the financial burden on the men and in the case of the man leaving, the woman can still have a way of catering to the family.”

Prof Hauwa advised parents, especially mothers to help teach their daughters the value of having a means of  income and to be aware of the possibilities that can occur in marriages and ways to manage the situation when they happen.

Legal protection of women’s right

A legal practitioner and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of Nigeria, Naanma Nyelong Esq, described abandonment as the act of deliberately leaving a spouse or children that are under the care of a person, by the person that should provide such care, without any means of sustenance.

According to him, it is a criminal offence in Nigeria, “for any person to abandon his wife or husband, children or dependents without any means of sustenance. Section 16 of the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act 2015, (VAPP ACT) provides that abandoning children/spouse or leaving them without a means of sustenance is a criminal act. Section 16 of the VAPP Act outlined punishments for abandonment which the offender is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 3 years or to a fine not exceeding N500,000.00 or both.”

Barrister Nyelong further said that intending to commit the crime of abandonment is enough to secure a conviction in court.

Psychological implications

Speaking on the psychological implication of abandonment, Josephine Akpolile, Specialist Registrar in Psychiatry, Department of Psychiatry Jos University Teaching Hospital said, the trend of men abandoning their wives has been a longtime issue in many communities in Nigeria. he, however, noted that it has severe psychological, emotional and economic impact on the abandoned women and children.

Outlining the impact on children, she said they begin to have behavioural problems, become aggressive and begin to have withdrawal syndrome and they may end up blaming themselves for their father abandoning them, “because they have no attachment with their parents this makes them grow up not trusting people because they feel if their father can leave them anyone else can. And they also end up having a dysfunctional family too.”

Psychiatrist Josephine also said many of the children going through abandonment end up having poor grades in school and sometimes not even interested in going to school.

On the psychological implication on Women, she said men don’t just abandon women in one day, it  starts from being emotionally absent before it translates to physical absence. In this case the women, have emotional trauma, because of the feeling of rejection. “They also blame themselves and in the process they come down with anxiety, low self esteem and depressive disorder.”

She added that social stigma is another thing the women suffering abandonment face. The community pointing fingers and saying mean words to them.

“One of the most difficult parts of navigating life after abandonment is the financial struggles. According to Josephine the financial stress hits hard on the women, especially when it comes suddenly or the woman not being financially independent. They become unable to identify themselves and what they believe in because of the low self-esteem they may have developed. The women struggle to identify their roles and identity outside the marriage.”

Proffering solutions to control the emotional breakdown that follows abandonment, Josephine advised women to learn to be empowered, have access to education and be involved in vocational and none vocational trainings that will help them be financially independent, as they work on regaining their identity. “Seek counselling and therapy so it will help in the growth of the children and reducing bulk impact.” She added.