How to resolve the Nigeria-Canada spat

The secret is out finally. Contrary to all insinuations, this columnist is not the one advising the Canadian government on consular affairs. At a critical time when Canada could do with all the help it could get to beef up its loonies and toonies, its consular officials must shoot it in the foot.

Imagine the insolence of denying Nigerian government officials the luxury of their visas? What was that if not a slap in the face? I promise to personally lead a powerful protest to the Canadian parliamentary committee on foreign affairs when they resume, sometime in March. It would be to inform them of a missed golden opportunity to improve their economy.

If, after all it has endured in three weeks of Trump’s insults, the Canadians could still deny our own well-decorated General, the army chief a visa to attend a military conference, then they deserve all they’re about to get. That includes the go to hell curse that has blanketed Ottawa and many Canadian cities with unprecedented snow since our own National Security Adviser placed a curse on the Arctic nation.

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Apparently, the Canadians do not know that a security conference without Nigerian military presence is a no-conference at all. Anywhere there is an international gathering, there you will find a Nigerian of status. Check the titles of our officials – chief, Dr, Alhaji XYZ, accompanied with all the elite schools and conferences they have attended. That is the hallmark of a Nigerian of status. Denying them that privilege is worse than sacrilege. This is why we all are solidly behind our officials that a simple issue of choosing who crosses a boundary or is blocked has become an issue of national pride.

Imagine how our nation would have fared if we put this much effort into fighting all the insurgencies and insecurities plaguing our nation in the past 20 years. It is said that we have survived all the challenges facing our nation by flying above the beleaguered citizenry into every conference from New York to Abu Dhabi, Windhoek to Casablanca. Why? Our own president and commander-in-chief could miss anything, including forming a cabinet, announcing board members and choosing envoys just to mark himself present at global conferences. And unlike some leaders out there, you’ll never catch him dozing.

Every time Air Force 1 flies, it is filled to the brim with hitchhikers until some spoil sports forced the president to reduce his international travel entourage. This is rather disappointing because when Nigerians travel, they bring back gifts to the extent that only decency prevents many from adding the initial GPG after names. For the uninitiated, it means Got Presidential Gift!

This is why a small country like Canada, that is threatened by American sanctions should be messing with the biggest spender on the continent of Africa. Instead, it should have asked the Defence Ministry for more names. Nothing in the books prevents officials from going to these conferences with additions such as sidekicks, layabouts and marabouts – all usually loaded with dollars for the ritual of shop-till-you-drop.

The unusual presence of Nigerian passport holders is a boon to any business in any nation they land in. They book the choicest hotels because they need selfies to prove it to their enemies who initially wrote them off. One could imagine the presence of our own CDS in any Canadian commercial chain? A picture of the general in Tim Hortons would do so much to the wounded pride of a nation like Canada. A visit to Dollarama could deplete Canadian memorabilia ahead of July 1.

There is more for Canada to gain from Nigeria’s participation in the military conference than for Nigerian troops fighting insurgency and insecurity. Nigeria’s tested winning strategy against Boko Haram, Biafraud and ritual killing could help Canada that has not fought a war on its own soil since the 1885 Battle of Loom Lake.

With Trump promising to annex Canada as its 51st state, Canada has lost a golden opportunity of learning firsthand, how to keep the flames of insecurity burning for political and economic gains in case it might need it. Such a strategy could work in Ottawa’s favour in case Donald Trump changed his warped mind and ordered boots on the ground to achieve his worst nightmare.

Canada’s insult to the most populous nation in Africa could cost it dearly and Nigeria should react appropriately. It would not be out of place to close the Nigerian High Commission in Ottawa just to punish the Canadians who run to Nigeria at every whim since Trump threatened its sovereignty. Let any Canadian wanting to escape the wrath of the dreaded USA cross the mine-field borders to Washington DC or New York City for a Nigerian visa and watch the backlash of its snowbirds.

That would be a Canadian’s worst nightmare. After all, this overly friendly snow-buried nation is a country full of pride. Why, only last week, Canada celebrated the 60th anniversary of its Maple Leaf ordering every citizen to plant the flag on their igloos. The silly Canadians have vowed to defeat their American overlords with reciprocal economic sanctions. Snowbirds are putting their Abuja homes up for sale. Shoprite, Glo and other Nigerian companies are gearing up to block Canadians from accessing their businesses. Nigeria could cause further damage to Canada’s already shaky housing crisis if Nigerian officials who boarded up their posh residences in high-brow areas of Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver choose to sell them. This may affect the real estate market and destroy the confidence that the Chinese have in buying up houses in these cities further damaging the fragile Canadian economy.

Despite its tough stance, the truth remains that Canada is pissing its pants red at what could happen if Nigeria should order all its nationals back home. This would lead to the total collapse of the National Health Service, NHS that is already impacted by Nigerian-Canadians sneaking back home for better medical attention. The withdrawal of doctors, nurses and personal support workers among other professionals who are now comfortably adjusted to the Canadian frigid life could play into Trump’s evil plans against its neighbour.

Things will get even worse if Nigeria decides to cancel the citizenship of the thousands of its citizens seeking both asylum and greener pastures in Abuja, Lagos, Port Harcourt and Kano.

As a patriot, here is what I suggest as further sanctions against this small nation of 45 million igloo dwellers. Nigeria should ban any of its citizens from going to Canada for school, business or tourism. It should stop admitting Canadians into the country and cancel the social security it provides for Canadian migrants with immediate effect and automatic alacrity.

Then, of course, Canada should write a letter of apology to Nuhu Ribadu, Olubunmi Tunji-Ojo and Malam Yusuf Tuggar and of course our highly revered General Christopher Gwabin Musa. A copy of that letter should be taken under RCMP escort by the Canadian Prime Minister to Aso Rock. Following that, a copy should be published in five national newspapers, beginning with the tour-de-force of journalism in Nigeria – the Media Trust Limited. If they do this quickly enough and issue unconditional 20-year visas to all Nigerian government officials to come into Canada and go as they please, then, we might consider playing snowballs with Canada again.