ASK PULSE: I once dated my girlfriend's mother: should I confess?

I am on the verge of losing my relationship of two years because of a decision I made almost a decade ago.

Dear Pulse,

I grew up in extreme poverty, and getting through school was nothing short of a miracle. My primary and secondary school fees were paid by my church pastor until my family moved, and I had to fend for myself. After passing WAEC and JAMB, my uncle covered my first-year university fees, but after that, I was on my own.

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At 20, broke and desperate, I met a woman twice my age—a newly widowed woman who only wanted a no-strings-attached relationship with financial benefits for me. It was purely transactional. She needed secrecy; I needed money for my education and to support my family. We met once a week at a discreet hotel, and she paid me generously.

After completing my final year project, I ended the arrangement. She resisted and even offered me a well-paying job, but I declined. I wanted to build my own path. Life was kind to me. I was posted to a good company for NYSC, where my boss took a liking to me. I became his executive assistant, learned the business, and after a few years, I started my own company. Today, I am financially stable and proud of how far I’ve come.

In 2022, I met my girlfriend, and we’ve been in a serious relationship ever since. This year, we decided to take the next step, and I was excited to meet her family.

But when I met her mother, my world stopped.

She was the woman from my past.

She didn’t react visibly, but later, I received a message from her:

Leave my daughter and end this relationship.

I tried to reach out, to explain, but she refused to listen.

My girlfriend has no idea about any of this. I’m torn. Should I tell her? If I do, will she ever look at me the same way again? If I stay silent, will her mother eventually tell her and paint me as the villain? Does her mother even want this secret out? Is that why she needs me to end this relationship?

I don’t want to lose the woman I love, but I also don’t know if the truth will destroy everything.

I need advice. What should I do?

— Segun.

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Dear Segun,

You are in a difficult situation, and there’s no easy way out. But here’s the truth: honesty, timing, and strategy will determine how this plays out.

You were young, broke, and desperate. You didn’t exploit anyone, you made a mutual agreement with a woman who also had her own needs. You used that opportunity to better yourself, and today, you have built a life you can be proud of.

Your girlfriend’s mother sees your past as a threat, not just to her reputation, but to her daughter’s happiness. She insists on the breakup because revealing the truth would also expose her, which she likely wants to avoid. If this secret comes to light, it could not only end your relationship but also fracture her family.

Even if your girlfriend decided to stay with you, her mother will always be a problem. Marriage is not just about love; family plays a role. If her mother disapproves, she could work against your relationship in ways you can’t predict. You deserve a fresh start. You have worked hard to rebuild your life so being tied to this past forever could bring you more pain than happiness.

Segun, it hurts, but sometimes love is not enough. Walking away now might save you and your girlfriend from a lifetime of pain and resentment. Some battles are not worth fighting, and this may be one of them.

— Pulse.

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