Once upon a time, friendship was simple. You’d play for hours, gist about everything, crash at each other’s houses, and get angry when someone watched a new Baba Ajasco episode without you. Now, everyone’s juggling work, rent, relationships, and just trying to survive adulthood. The group chat is quiet, and plans hang in the air.
Nobody’s mad, we’re just tired.
The truth about friendship as you grow older is that it doesn’t exactly die; it just… evolves. You start to learn that friendship in your 20s and 30s requires work.
The 20s
Your 20s, especially the early 20s, are wild, spontaneous, chaotic, and full of energy. You’re discovering who you are, and your friends are part of that experiment. You meet people at school, work, church, weddings, and even in traffic.
You’re still young enough to say yes to most hangouts, most sleepovers, and that one “Netflix and chill” with a sneaky link. wink, wink
Yeah, you have to work that 9-5, but life is fun. You’re all still figuring life out, and there’s comfort in knowing you don’t have to do it alone. Even though life has thrown you all in different directions, you still come together to share some good times and heartbreak stories. You don’t think too deeply about who’s showing up for whom; you just show up.
The 30s
By your 30s, everyone’s path has changed even more. Someone’s relocated to Canada, another is planning their wedding, one is battling postpartum depression, and another is quietly struggling but doesn’t know how to say it. You start to realise even more that everyone’s life is moving at a different pace.
The same people who used to talk to almost every day now text once a month. That “Hey bestie, I just thought of you. How you dey?” carries so much love underneath, and you start realising that friendship isn’t about how often you talk, but how deeply you connect when you finally do.
But you understand that life is lifing. It’s nobody’s fault. Everyone’s got jobs, rent, responsibilities, and a reality check that adulthood doesn’t leave much room for free time.
At this stage, friendship becomes less about quantity and more about depth. You no longer have that time to gist with a lot of friends every day, but you have a few who really see you, the ones who show up when you’re sick, who remember your birthday, who still check in even when you haven’t posted on WhatsApp in weeks.
Why do friendships change?
The biggest thief of adult friendship is time, or rather, the lack of it. Between long work hours, harsh traffic, and trying to rest on weekends, you barely have the energy to talk, let alone hang out.
Then there’s the emotional, spiritual, and financial growth. As you evolve, your values shift. What bonded you at 22 may no longer connect you at 32. You may prefer peace and quiet over party friends, or deep conversations over surface-level banter.
Sometimes, distance steps in. A job in the UK, relocation to Port Harcourt, or just living on opposite sides of Lagos. You promise to “link up soon,” but “soon” becomes a year.
And yes, there’s maturity. Learning to love people differently, to give grace, to understand that silence doesn’t always mean disinterest. You understand that some friends level up, others slow down. Some are healing, others are hustling, and slowly but surely, people start to drift because growth sometimes demands distance.
And that’s okay.
How to keep the good ones
Here’s one tip I can give you: Whether you’re in your 20s or 30s, stop expecting friendship to stay the same. Instead, learn to update it.
Check in, even if it’s just sending a meme that says, “This reminded me of you.” Celebrate milestones. Call when it matters (birthdays, interviews, new jobs, heartbreaks). Be intentional.
Also, forgive silence. If someone hasn’t called in months, it doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you. People are fighting battles you know nothing about.
And when you finally hang out again, catch up, laugh, gist, and share jokes. That’s how real friendships work.
The beauty of evolving friendships
Friendship in adulthood is nothing like what we’re used to. It’s more mature, calmer, and intentional. Now, it’s less about who shows up every day and more about who still shows up when it matters.
Life will keep lifing, people will keep changing. But if you find a few who still feel like home, hold them close. They’re the ones worth growing old with, and if you don’t find those, that’s still okay.
