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 DEAR OYIN,

I’m writing to you because a recent incident is causing serious problems within my family. My elder broth­er’s marriage ended disastrously when he had an affair. His wife divorced him, and he later mar­ried the other woman – the one who caused the initial breakup. The family pretends everything is fine, but we all know it’s not. I tolerate her for my brother’s sake, but I’ll never forget the pain she caused.

Last week, at a family get-to­gether where the wives tra­ditionally cook and socialise, my brother’s wife made things incredibly uncomfortable by humiliating my wife. My wife and I are both brown-skinned, though my wife is lighter than me, and our daughter inherited her complexion.

My brother’s wife often makes comments about need­ing a paternity test to prove our daughter is actually mine. She always adds that it’s “just a joke,” but my wife clearly dislikes it, even though she stays silent.

When she made the comment again, I responded that my wife is faithful and not like some­one who built her marriage on someone else’s destruction. She rolled her eyes and said, “It’s al­ways best to be sure before it’s too late.” That infuriated me. So I retorted, quite loudly, “You would know a lot about being ‘sure,’ considering you were someone’s mistress before be­coming a wife.”

The room went silent. My mother pulled me aside and asked why I’d said that in front of every­one. I told her that no one would humiliate my family, especially by questioning my daughter’s paternity. My mother remained silent, and my brother later came to me, insisting that I apologise to his wife for insulting her.

I told him to have his wife apologise first. Now the family is divided: half think I went too far, and the other half support me. If you were in my shoes, would you have stood by and watched?

Richard, Abuja

Dear Richard,

I understand your feelings completely, and why you react­ed as you did. While lashing out probably wasn’t the best approach, your wife’s sister was completely out of line!

Given the existing family ten­sion, and that it would be best to take the high ground. Next time, calmly and firmly shut down these disrespectful comments immediately. Consider saying something like, “Those jokes are offensive and inappropriate, and I’d appreciate it if you would stop making them.”

Don’t let this incident drive a wedge between you and your brother. As much as possible, limit your interactions with his wife and protect your family from further negativity.

You were right to defend your wife and daughter; it shows how much you love them, and how differently you treat them from the way she was treated.